In the School of Affliction

Only God can use what is difficult and sorrowful to produce good. The difficulty and sorrow in which Hayden and I find ourselves is that I experienced another miscarriage yesterday.

In God's timing, my sister sent me a t-shirt with these verses on it just a few days ago:
"Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (emphasis mine)

These were a great comfort to me as I lay in the same kind of hospital bed in the same maternity ward having the same painful operation I had only 8 months ago.

God, I don't know why You are allowing this great sorrow in my life...but Your word says it is only "light" and "momentary" compared to the "eternal weight" of glory I will one day enjoy with You.

I was at my 17 week check up appointment yesterday, with my sweet Susanna, when I found out. I came there thinking a miscarriage was a possibility for various reasons, but was hopeful of course. It was so comforting to be able to hug my daughter when I got the news, thanking the Lord not only for two healthy children, but for the allowing me to physically enjoy one of them right when I needed to.

Thankfully, the labor and delivery went as smoothly as it could go and I came home this morning. And they are, by the way, doing some tests since I had two 2nd trimester miscarriages at about the same time (14.5 weeks and 15 weeks, these are when the babies appeared to have died). But the fact that I'm up and writing lets you know that I'm feeling okay. We're planning on resting for a while, and I'm thankful for family and our church body who both help us to do that. I am especially grateful for my sweet hubby, who takes marvelous and tender care of me.

The baby was most likely a boy. We named him John Hayden. I have been calling him "Johnny" for weeks, because I knew he was a boy (I have craved nothing but meat and cheese, like I did with Ben). I got to see his perfectly formed feet and hands...formed in the womb by my Creator, who decided how many days each of us will live before we were ever created.

"For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb."
"And in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them." Ps. 139:13,16

I don't know why He chose for Johnny to have so few days. I don't know why He allowed us to conceive, only to have this happen. But I do know that Johnny is in God's care, and that while my circumstances are not good, my God is, and He causes those circumstances to work together for good- good that I may not get to understand in this lifetime.

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

And He is the God who puts His children in the school of affliction. He does not do this capriciously or spitefully, but to make His children more like His Son, and to produce for them that eternal weight of glory. This is what we cling to now.

"For if He causes grief, then He will have compassion according to His abundant lovingkindess. For He does not afflict willingly or grieve the sons of men. To crush under His feet all the prisoners of the land, to deprive a man of justice in the presence of the Most High..." Lamentations 3:32-35

How would I know His abundant lovingkindess, if I were not in a place desperate for it?

Do you know who never sinned? Do you know whom the Lord did afflict willingly?

"Surely our griefs He Himself bore, and our sorrows He carried."
"But the Lord was pleased to crush Him, putting Him to grief..." Isaiah 53:4,10

My Lord Jesus, whose comfort surpasses any earthly understanding I can possibly glean from this trial. We greatly appreciate your prayers, that God would continue to comfort and sustain us, and let us honor Him through this time of testing and growth.